The last 31 years of my existence hadn’t been all that good but has molded me to what I am today – strong, will-powered and independent. This life that I have right now was not the kind of life I envisioned when I was still a kid. I was full of hopes and dreams. But then somewhere along the way, you stumble and you fall or somebody blocks your way that you loose sight of where you’re heading to.  But then again, if I hadn’t made the mistakes that I have done, I wouldn’t be this person that I am now. Experience was my greatest teacher.  It thought me a lot of things that most of the people that I come across are awed by how I was able to go thru all of it. And of course, I owe all of that to GOD. He was my strength during times of despair. When I couldn’t find somebody to talk to, he was there to listen. He knew what my heart desired. I may not have been loyal church-goer but I knew in my heart that HE was my GOD.  I am most grateful to HIM because he never left me an unanswered prayer. HE may not have given me all that what I wanted right away, but as I look back now I understand why. HE has a reason for everything and only time will tell what that is.

At this point in my life, I couldn’t asked for anything more. I have my two wonderful and amazing kids that I adore so much. Little do they know that they have been the real reason why I keep on fighting… that  despite all the traumatic experience their  Dad’s had given me, I am still here, with my head held high to show them I never regretted having them. That if I would choose to live my life all over again, I will still choose to have them with me.

I am grateful to my family – my dad whom we lost about 2 years ago, my brothers, cousins, and the whole GAFFUD clan.

I am also thankful to my DELL family. There is no company that’s perfect. Each has their own flaws but if there’s one thing that I am proud of working for DELL is the kind of work ethic that they have imbibed on me. The camaraderie, the friendship, the culture is something that you wouldn’t find around every corner. The way they understand my situation, since I am a single parent matters a lot to me.  It speaks a lot of them.  I value my work and the people I work with  so much that sometimes even if get lured by plans of getting another job with a much higher paying salary somewhere else it makes me think twice before I do. I won’t be a hypocrite, it would help me a lot but who needs it when you can’t even go on a leave when your kid’s sick? So there…

I am also grateful to all the people who had greatly influenced my life one way or the other. Strangers who became friends - I value the friendship that you have given me.  Rest assured that I would always be there for you guys.  I would go out of my way to help you in what ever way I can. Thank you for being there for me too…for sharing the love, the joy, the pain, and the tears.

And lastly, I am thankful to you Saj, I know people that we know are skeptical.  And I know that they’re thinking that we’ll end up the same way. It’s just sad that they cannot just be happy for the two of us.  And like you always say, only time can tell but unfortunately we can’t rush time. I had been praying to GOD to give me a sign that I will still find a man that will treat me the way you’re treating me now. If you remember, I told you that I have given myself an ultimatum, that when I reach 30 and I still haven’t found the ONE, then I’'m doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. I kissed dating goodbye,and then, just when I stopped looking and waiting, you came along and showed me that I deserve to be happy, that I deserve to be loved.  You are my answered prayer.  I know it’s hasn’t been easy and you envy my ex’s because they never got to experience what your going thru right now.  Thank your for being patient, for constantly assuring me of your love.  I know it’s never easy dealing with my past. And if you think, that your efforts are all in vain, your mistaken baby, they don’t go unnoticed. Screws those people who don’t believe in you, at the end of the day, what will matter will be me and you. Whatever it is your doing, it’s working. Each passing day, I get to love you more. Someday, they will understand.  Vindication will be ours. Thank you baby for being there, I just can't stop smiling.

I remember like it was yesterday
First kiss and I knew you changed the game
You have me, exactly, well you want it,
And I'm on it

And I ain't ever gonna let you get away
Holdin' hands never made me feel this way
So special, boy it's your, your smile
We so in love
(love)
La la la la
Yeah
We so in love
La la la la la
And I just can't get enough
Of your la la la la love
Yeah we so in love, love
I want you to know
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, every, every, everything

Been a minute and we still holding it down
Butterflies every time you come around
You make me, so crazy
It's crazy, oh baby

And I don't ever wanna be with no one else
You're the only one that ever made me melt
You're special, boy it's your, your style
We so in love

La la la la
Yeah
We so in love
La la la la la
And I just can't get enough
Of your la la la la love
Yeah it's all I'm thinking of
Love, love
I want you to know

You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, every, every, everything

(Yeah)
Everything, everything, oh
Everything, everything, oh

[Will.I.Am]
You're my always and forever
You're my sunshine
On my mind, constant
Think about you all the time
You're my everything

Everything, everything, oh
Everything, everything, oh

[Will.I.Am]
You my new school (love)
You my old school (love)
And it's so true
You're the one I'm thinking of

You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, every, every, everything
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
You're my every, every, every, everything
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up Oh boy (oh boy)
(You make the sun come up on a cloudy day
You're my number one, you're my special thing)
You're my every, every, every, everything

Everything, everything, oh
Everything, everything, oh
You are my baby, baby, baby, baby love

Everything, everything, oh
Everything, everything, oh
You're my everything
You are my baby, baby, baby, baby love

all of sudden i was in the beach. there i saw mom and dad. we were very happy. we were all lying along the shore. i was between them. and then for the very first time. i saw them hugged each other. .........































..........and then i woke up with a smile. yes, it was the very first time i saw them do that.my childhood memories weren't exactly like that..i only remember that i always pushed mama to lie in bed with papa but she wouldn't budge, instead she would always sleep beside me.i don't even remember my parents being affectionate to each other nor have I heard them said i love you's to each other. They were merely coexisting, so I  never really knew how much love they had for one another  i will treasure that moment even if it was only in my dreams

Link

what the hell are you doing Sam? why feel sorry for yourself? you are better now. though alone at least your life is peaceful. looking back at your past would not do you any good. it will just bring back the pain that you have already forgotten. what's done is done. you have already forgiven them right? stop the torture and save yourself from feeling hurt again.You have already moved on. You have two amazing kids who look up to you. i know you feel lonely most of the time but you just have to live with it. just focus on other things and try not get tempted to go back to the life that you were used to. there's more to partying or meeting people.  what's important is that you already know what your priorities are. it doesn't matter what he thinks. don't get affected. you.stop getting involved. if you keep looking back you wont see where you're heading.  focus on keeping the love in your family. focus on how to keep your 2 kids loving each other even if they grow up.cry if you want to. release all the bitterness, the hatred that you still feel. you are a good person. learn from your mistakes and do not let them stop you from achieving what you want. Stop worrying. Pray. Talk to HIM. You haven't been feeding you soul that's why you feel empty. You have to take control of your life. Nobody else is gonna be there to look after you since your mom and dad are no longer around. Just hold on. Be strong.

wow, it's been 10 long years since i first became a mom. my daughter's all grown up now.me and her dad are now in good terms.way back, things were really difficult.i was going to school. i was financially dependent on my brother. i lost my family's trust. i lost my childhood. i was carefree. i didnt had any responsibilities back then. i was just having a great time. at 19 i was a certified single mom. back then, i didnt know how to go about being a parent. i didnt even know how to carrry a little child. all i knew was that i was in love  and that no matter what i will stand by the man i love. but things changed. i (againts his wishes) decided to keep the baby. i was scared. but i knew that my family would stand by me. and they did. my dad stood as her dad, spoiling her more than he spoiled me ha-ha-ha. but now he's gone we're left to look after each other. how time flies. i just hope that she stays close to me. i hope that she won't do the same mistakes that i did.

I admit, there are days when all I can do is wallow in despair over my lack of companionship — the conversation, the general company, and yes, the sex(?). But, I have come to realize that I am truly not lonely, I am just alone. Lonely means that I am willing to accept everything that comes along with companionship, including compromising my wants and needs. Being alone is a conscious decision that is made usually when someone has an idea of what they want and need and is not willing to sacrifice that.

Flying solo

I can honestly say that today, I have found peace with where I am right now. I have been getting dating advice over what to do about being single in the city. Friends say all guys are worthless; family says hang in there; coworkers say that I am too young to worry about it. They are all right. There is no need right now to worry about my past transgressions and no need to worry myself creating goals of chastity.

I am going to be away for a while. I will have enough space to put things into perspective and enjoy where I am. These boys/men may not know what they want, but I do; and I refuse to settle for significantly less than the level that I’m on spiritually, emotionally, and professionally.

I plan on returning with a fresh new look into things and finally forgetting these boys that have disappointed me.

Will I find new adventures while I am away? Will I return to more single file drama? We won’t know until I come back. ’til then keep it protected, and by “it” I mean your heart and your reproductive system.

yeah your contantly there...

I knew it was there
Though I tried to hide it
The feeling just kept on shining through
Haven’t known you that long
So I try to deny it
But the feeling was much too
Much too strong

Could this be love
Deep down inside
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart

Constantly, you’re on my mind
Thinking about you all the time
I can’t sleep no matter what I do
I just keep on thinking ‘bout you

Why do I feel this way
When I know you have someone
That you’re seeing each and everyday
Should I play this game
Of just being that’s not where I want it to end

How could this be wrong
When it feels so strong
Tearing me apart
I feel it in my heart
No I don’t want to start
No trouble
Between you and I and you lover
But I must tell you what I’m going through
Everytime you walk by
I see love in your eyes

there come's a point in your life that you feel sad for no apparent reason. you feel alone and lonely. you feel that nobody out there cares. it's just one of those days for me. i don't feel like smiling. not even the thought of him can make me smile. i used to grin a lot when he crosses my mind. all i wanna do right now is lay in bed,listen to some good old love songs and start reminiscing about what had happened in my life. happy thoughts, where art thou? all i can do is sigh...why do i keep on falling for the same trap over and over again? why do i continue on doing things that i know would hurt me? isnt that just stupidity at it's highest level??? i need a diversion. i need something (or somebody?) to take my mind off him. or i could just try avoiding him, but, damn! it's just so difficult to do it. it's like addiction, once you stopped doing something that you so love doing, withdrawal syndrome comes in. Sigh....

this 2008, id like to make myself a lot healthier since the BIG C runs in the family..just want to live longer for my family...anyway here's my list.. (i hope id be able to acomplish all of them)
1. no more alcohol, liquor, beer - goodbye to San Mig lights, red horse, and hello to the bitter taste of Green Tea
2. goodbye to eat outs and hello to working out my ass at the gym (i just hope i had the luxury of time to do this)
3. quit smoking to make the world a healthier place to breathe in..nah just wanna save my lungs
4. no more night outs..why not it takes time away from my kids..when in fact they won't be there with you to drink beer when you need them badly
5. save save and save some money for emergencies or to buy stuffs that we want


i'd see at the end of the year if im successful..wish me luck :)

last night as i was busy preparing our feast for the new year...i stopped for a few minutes and reminisce the time when papa was still alive..exactly a year ago when he celebrated his birthday..his photo is displayed in our living room, constantly reminding us, me that i spent most of my adult life with him..reminding me that he once took care of my kids..i miss papa...even if we always fight over trivial things, mostly about his drinking. last night as i stared at his photo, a feeling of sadness came over me. and i remember him always saying year after year on the ery 1st  day of the year, that it might be his last birthday which of course i just dismissed. But know i remember that his birthday last year was indeed his last. and i wasnt there. i wasnt around when he celebrated his birthday because of a stupid mistake when i fell in love again. i could still recall what he said before i left, "ang ganda ng pabirthday mo sa akin" tears fell down my cheeks as i recall how it was when he was still alive. when i was younger, my papa always was in charge with cooking the food.he alwatys cooked what i requested for..when i always already earning, i made sure that i will buy him a gift. you see papa seldom buys clothes, so he only gets to have a new shirt when people give it to him as present or as their uniform in their bowling league. how time flies, up until now i cannot but stop thinking the thousand what ifs circling my mind. hay..i just miss papa. we will be visiting you and mama at the cemetery later. happy birthday papa.